“my days they spin me ’round”   —greg laswell

Applying for jobs stresses me out like no other because I can’t help but feel like I’m going to end up stuck in some awful job like I was at Target. I felt like I had to be insane when I worked there. Everyone who got trained at the same time as me was so excited to be there, so happy—and not just to be working but specifically to be working THERE and I just wasn’t feeling it. Every time I turned onto Alabama and pulled into the parking lot before each shift I got the same feeling of dread that I did every morning I had to go to photography class senior year in college. What’s weird is that  even as I was accepting an offer at my interview I knew I didn’t want to work there. But I needed a job but I knew I didn’t belong there but I NEEDED A JOB because school loans are a thing and I didn’t want to be there but what else could I really do? But halfway through my interview I was answering a question and I was just hit with this sudden knowing that I didn’t want the job. And as I kept talking and the interviewer kept nodding and smiling that sinking sensation grew and this feeling of dread crept in and took over and made everything about the moment feel wrong wrong so wrong and I kept thinking “what am I doing here I don’t want to do this why am I not standing up and walking out the door right now?”

I get a disturbingly similar feeling as I’m filling out these applications and it makes me want to curl up and cry because I know—even before I’ve begun an application, I know—that I wouldn’t want to be there. It’s not that I have something against any of the places I’m applying to, it’s just that it doesn’t feel right and it doesn’t even feel okay and I don’t want to do it and I wouldn’t want to have to do it I don’t even want to fill out an application because then they might think I want to do it and I really, really don’t. But then I can’t just not do anything because that’s how the last four months have been and I need to do something I need to feel useful I need to pay my loans I need to stop feeling worthless. I need a reason to leave the house other than it’s time to pick Veronica up from school and I need something to do so I can stop feeling useless and like I’m just a waste of space in the universe because all this sitting around and not doing anything is not good for me it’s definitely not good.

But I don’t even want to imagine working any of these jobs but I don’t even know what else I should do or what I want to do or what I am even capable of doing or if I’m even capable of anything. And that freaks me out because what if I don’t just feel useless; what if I actually am useless? I used to say that everyone is good at something but I don’t know if that’s true anymore because I don’t appear to be that good at anything? I’m okay at some things but that’s about it. I had a roommate one summer who sometimes described herself as a jack of all trades but master of none (which was bullshit tbh) but I can’t even say that much.

So, fun fact: I started, like, sobbing somewhere in that second paragraph but I’ve stopped crying now so I think I’m pretty much done with this post. And I kind of feel better but I don’t know why because nothing has actually changed, so.

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