This week has been really hard. Sometimes I think I’m getting better and seeing things more optimistically and I feel happier and more energetic, even, and then I’ll have a week like this one where I don’t have it in me to do anything and I just feel really down and I keep thinking that it doesn’t matter because nothing matters nothing I do matters–I could lose weight and it wouldn’t matter I could get a job and it wouldn’t matter I could take classes go on walks start eating better reach out to my friends but it won’t matter it wouldn’t mater it doesn’t matter because there’s no point. What am I doing here why am I even living it’s so hard and it doesn’t matter and there’s no point and I’m so tired of looking for reasons to make things matter when nothing does
I was in line at the store and there was a girl and guy in front of me and she wondered if they’d still have the same weekend routine when they were forty and he said something and they laughed and I was just stuck on that one part, about being forty, and oh my God I have to live until I’m forty? I have to be like this for that long? Time seems to pass so slowly and I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do anything I don’t know how to do anything life has already been so long and pointless and exhausting and I can’t even imagine still doing this, still going through the motions when I’m forty that’s such a long time to be pointless
I don’t know I just feel..
insignificant. But in the worst way. Not in the way I did last week, when Ana and I were on the freeway and I was looking at all the cars around us and all the little lights in the hills in the distance, thinking about how many people there are and how that can make a person feel really small, you know? because there are so many people who are all living right now and dealing with their own lives and friends and crises and next to all that collective happiness and heartbreak my own personal whatever is pretty insignificant. No, this kind of insignificant is more like… no matter what I do, it won’t matter. No matter what I don’t do, it won’t matter, because I don’t matter. People who have nothing to live for don’t matter. I am a waste of space on this earth. I shouldn’t be here, and yet here I am, wasting space and oxygen and water and life.
I feel like I need to talk but there’s no one who will listen. No one in my family ever wants to listen to me when I’m being “negative” like this (lots of awkward laughs and clumsy subject changes) and I’ve always been really bad at keeping friends so I feel like I have no one to talk it out with and I think I need to but if I’m honest I don’t even know where I would begin so maybe it’s okay that there isn’t anyone to talk to because the conversation would just amount to them letting me wallow in my self-pity and that’s not good for anyone so
Anyway I was driving yesterday and the song at the top came on Pandora and I started crying because it made me sad. At one point, it goes:
in the end its not about what you have
in the end its all about where you want to go
and the roads you take to help you get there
i hope you think that’s fair
because you’ve only got one life to lead
so don’t take for granted those little things
those little things are all that we have
I’ve always been really really jealous of people who know what they want. My mom has a friend who’s son was in school studying engineering for something like eight years, and whenever anyone brought him up all I could say was “at least he’s working towards something.” I (barely) graduated in four years, but what did that give me? A degree I didn’t really want from a school I didn’t really like in a field I’m not sure I want to pursue. Two years of being mostly unemployed and more than a little unmotivated to make big changes. A lot of indecision and uncertainty and tears.
God. Sorry. This has been a really depressing post. I think.. ok. I’m fairly certain that this funk I’ve been in this week has something to do with the fact that we’re coming up on a one year anniversary and I’ve been trying really hard not to think about it. Last week Chelsea messsaged everyone asking us to write letters to their families and I wanted to say something but didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything and just ignored the rest of the messages I got. I was stuck in traffic three times in as many days because of really bad accidents that made me think of my friends, but I pushed those thoughts away. Almost every time I think about how pointless I am I think about how special they were, and how if any of them had this last year instead of me they would have done a hell of a lot more good with it. I don’t want to think about it and I keep trying not to think about it but they’re creeping into my mind and taking over my headspace and I feel like the more I try not to think about it the more I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel sad and insignificant and pointless all over again