Okay, so last week was bad. Friday was especially bad, because I took to the internet to whine about how bad it was.
I consider this a low point.
So on the one hand, I find that last post very embarrassing–and also very much in need of a rewrite. Well, actually, that’s an assumption; I’m too afraid to actually look at it and realize that I was an incoherent sobbing mess when I wrote it (although if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think anything I ever write is particularly well-written, so)… which incidentally, is the same way I feel about my senior thesis. Okay, story timeeee.
I had had my thesis planned out and outlined since junior year. The beginning of senior year was pretty good. I had just returned from Korea and was feeling really motivated. A summer working abroad alongside State Department employees had made me really enthusiastic about joining the foreign service and I felt really good about what I was studying and where I would be after graduation. First semester was rough. I had switched to Int’l Relations so late that I had a lot of coursework to make up, and somehow still had a bunch of GEs to fulfill… I don’t know, somehow it was just a really rough semester. I took a lot of politics classes and figured out that I really really don’t like politics, and I started to worry. That doubt just kept growing, though, and at some point during second semester, I hit this really low point where I stopped caring about school and just wanted to drop out. I remember I had the paperwork to withdraw on my desk. I dreaded going to classes and put the bare minimum effort into most of my work. I talked to my friends less and I avoided my thesis advisor, and then at some point I realized that graduation was in a few days and my thesis was three weeks late and I needed to actually write something otherwise I wasn’t going to graduate.
And part of me thought that I didn’t really care if I graduated or got a degree but at the same time it was like if I actually didn’t graduate then what the hell was everything for? All the financial aid drama and loan bullshit and nights spent stressing about papers and exams… it all would’ve been a complete waste of time and wouldn’t I be pissed at myself for wasting four years of my life being sad about my financial aid issues (that are still haunting me, 2 years post-grad)? So I might as well get a degree and a diploma, if only so I had something to show for all that time. So I wrote my thesis in 24 hours and it wasn’t nearly as long as it should have been and it wasn’t as well researched or as well written or as polished as it should have been but I DID IT and I submitted it and my reader gave me the lowest possible score I could get and still graduate but I graduated. Of course, even on the day of my graduation I can’t honestly say that I felt happy or relieved or.. anything, really. And I still feel like I wasted all that time and money and I don’t even KNOW where my diploma is anymore and my thesis is online and accessible to any student at the 5Cs and every time I get an email saying someone has downloaded it I die a little inside because I looked at it once and immediately noticed sentences and pages that were out of order and oh God I can’t think about this anymore it’s too shameful I can’t believe I submitted anything of such low quality oh God oh God oh God–
So anyway, thats pretty much how I feel about that last post. It is the blogosphere equivalent of my senior thesis. I want to fix it but I’m scared to even look at it (hey I wonder if they would let me resubmit my thesis. I mean, I doubt it but..)
ANYWAY. I think that hitting that low point last week is the reason that THIS week didn’t go as badly as I thought it would. I made it through the actual anniversary in one piece, made it through the LiNK fam reunion video chat without feeling too down or like I was faking interest, didn’t even get (too) upset that I couldn’t go to LBC the day before for Karo’s mass and the staff trip to her gravesite. I think a lot of that composure came from totally losing my shit on Friday, so, even though there’s evidence of my low point on the internet now, I’m glad I got it all out then.
I didn’t write it in that post, but I had dinner plans with Katherine and Brianne on Friday. I was 1,000% not looking forward to dinner after the day I’d had, but we had made those plans weeks in advance so I didn’t want to bail. Going out to dinner actually made me feel a LOT better about a lot of things. Even though I was dreading it a lot, it was good to get out of the house and be around people and laugh and talk and hear how people are doing. The day before that, Kaylaann had proposed that we apply for the Peace Corps together and I was still in that afraid place where I just felt like I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere and didn’t really even have a desire to, but on Friday at dinner when Katherine was talking about maybe getting a job outside of San Bernardino I told her I’d move away with her, haha, but they weren’t just empty words. I really felt it, like it’d be okay if I left and did something and I don’t know something changed for me that night? Somehow after all the crying and freaking out and despairing I was okay. I felt okay. Even days later, I feel okay. More okay than I’ve felt in awhile. Like, I was looking at not-in-this-area jobs and not even internally freaking out about it it was i n c r e d i b l e I don’t know I don’t know how it’s possible but I feel okay about things right now?
It’s hard for me to explain. I mean, I still feel kind of like I’m floating and pointless and I still don’t think have any reason to be alive right now and I don’t know if I ever will but it doesn’t feel as… dismal? I wish I were better with words so I could explain this mindset.
All day, during the video chat, on Facebook and Instagram and wherever else, everyone was talking about how they live with Calvin, Karo, and Shane in mind and live every day to the fullest and I haven’t been doing that but I think I’m ready to start? Idk. I admire that everyone was able to do that right away but I think I had to take some time and I don’t know if it’s true but I have this feeling like things are going to be okay