I woke up sad. This is partially because it was 6:15 when I woke up (which, for the record, makes this my fourth day in a row of waking up needlessly early. I hate it bc I’m not going to sleep early enough that I feel ok in the morning. everything about me is tired… obvious solution: sleep earlier. But gahhh. no. ugh.) But also I dreamed that Rachel died and it was just like heartland. A car accident. Quick. Nothing I could do, lots still unsaid, the wooden wedding photo I made still unsent. Brian called and told me, and I cried and cried. I sat at the kitchen table staring at the photo, thinking that I couldn’t send it now because Rachel was gone and wouldn’t it be cruel to send a picture of their wedding day to Brian and then I got mad at myself for making it about me and cried some more.
And then I woke up and felt sad and a little unsettled and I wish I were better at friends but it occurred to me when I was skyping with Tracy last night that I’m bad at keeping in touch with people and yeah, I always kind of knew that but last night I just felt it in a big way. It sucks it sucks it sucks and I hate it and I want to be better but I don’t know how to even begin.