“this is my therapy.” —relient k

Once, when I was in high school, my dad asked me if I wanted to “talk to someone… you know, a professional, about… how you feel about things.” I said no, thank you.

My first year in college, the Dean of First Year Students was meeting with every new student (my college was small, okay) and it wasn’t a big deal, I just said I was homesick and not really used to being around new people all the time. I mentioned that I spent most of my free time alone in my room. She asked if I had thought about talking to a counselor about ways to overcome my fears. I mumbled that I was going to be late for class (I wasn’t).

My final year in college, no less than three professors suggested that I take advantage of the student health center’s counseling and psychological services, all within the same calendar month. I smiled and promised to think about it (I didn’t).

During my first (okay let’s be real, only) internship after college my manager acted as a sort of quasi-therapist for me, and suggested on a number of occasions that I find a really good therapist. I declined, and ignored her attempts to talk about things after the internship ended (although to be fair, it was during a specific period in which I shut everyone out, even people who weren’t trying to get me to talk about my feelings.)

Honestly, therapy has been brought up to me on more occasions than just these. But I’m very resistant to the idea, and I don’t know why. I’ve suggested therapy to other people, but I am incapable of taking my own advice. It’s a sort of exceptionalism: I think that it’s a good idea for others, but not for me. Somehow, for me, it’s different.

I think that I can work through things pretty well on my own, and that as long as I’m honest with myself about how I’m feeling and willing to work through things I’m okay. I guess that’s kind of how I use this space. I have, however, noticed that I only find myself here when I’m feeling badly, and that bothers me. I’m not so dreary all the time, I swear! I just have to somehow make more of an effort to write posts when I’m feeling good about things or even just okay. So. This is a resolution to write more, not just when I’m at my lowest, but also when I’m at my highest and also when I’m somewhere in between.

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