I went to brunch with two friends today and as we were leaving we made tentative plans “for the 17th.” We say our goodbyes and I’m searching for my keys (note to self: CLEAN YOUR PURSE) and my friend says, “Okay, so I guess I’ll see you next weekend?” and it literally was not until that moment that it hit me that the 17th is less than a week from today, and like, wow what is time and how do I never seem to have enough of it? It’s blowing my mind that this month is already nearly half over and I haven’t done anything.
I have a million tabs open on my computer at all times, but I haven’t applied to any jobs in the last few weeks (I know) and I’ve been staring at this debt lawyer’s information for over a month (I know) and I keep saying I’m going to fix my resume and I’m going to finish my sister’s birthday gift (her birthday was in April, nbd) and I’m going to clean my room and do my laundry and be a responsible human being—or at least some semblance of one—but I’m always sick or I’m running other people’s errands or I’m driving my sister to school or to practice or I’m grocery shopping or making dinner and I’m so tired all the time… occasionally I do have a day where I’m not running errands or helping my mom out at work, but by the time one of those days comes around I’m so tired of doing stuff all the time that I just want to not do anything, so I put off doing my stuff. The problem, of course, is that “later” inevitably becomes “tomorrow” and “tomorrow” becomes “next week,” and somehow all this time has passed and I’m realizing that once again I’ve managed to waste it.
I don’t think I’d mind the passage of time so much if I weren’t in the same place as I was a week, a month, a year ago. Time keeps moving and I’m standing still and I just can’t grab onto it, and I’m kind of afraid that I’m going to wake up one day and be 30 and still be the same as I am now and that is fucking terrifying. It doesn’t sound like it should be possible but… how much has really changed for me in the last 2 years? I haven’t had a job, I’m still at home, I’m not doing anything I want to be doing… I am static and life is happening around me. Weeks pass by and I can’t move. Time eludes me and I don’t know to catch up.