“so sick, so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick”   —Taking Back Sunday

Last week my sister went on a job interview. I’ve actually gone with her for her last few interviews; we’d drive out together and I’d just hang out at a Starbucks nearby and try to get things done while she’d be impressing the pants off of prospective employees. This time, though, her interview was on a Wednesday, which is fine except I’ve started tutoring a girl in calculus on Wednesdays, so I didn’t go with her.

Her last few interviews she’s told me a lot about, everything from walking in and not knowing where to go to what kinds of questions they asked her and how well she thought it went. This time she told me nothing (although I overheard her talking to dad about it and there were some pretty noteworthy moments in that interview, haha). I was driving down the street, on my way to my tutoring session on Wednesday, and I was barely a few houses down when suddenly I just knew. Even before her interview, I knew. She was going to get that job, she was going to go car shopping, she was going to move out.

Then Thursday morning she gets a phone call. The job is hers if she wants it, and could she please make her decision by that afternoon because they’d like her to start Monday.

And I’m proud of her, I am. But a small part of me (and this part, unfortunately, is small but not insignificant) is jealous. I’ve been applying for jobs for the last two years and had to turn down the one job I was actually offered because of transportation issues, but my little sister has been unemployed for all of five months and is already employed again.

I shouldn’t feel jealous I know I shouldn’t I was literally saying to my friends a few days ago how guilty I’ve been feeling because I haven’t actually submitted an application in about a month so I really have no right to feel jealous because it’s not like I’m doing much in the way of finding a job right now but it’s not my fault, entirely, because somehow all the stuff that needs to get done around the house—all the driving, all the shopping, all the errands—fall to me and I’m tired all the time, she never has to wake up at 6:30 to take Veronica to school, she doesn’t have to take her to practice and wait around for ages and then come home and do all the shopping and make sure there’s always gas in the car and help mom at school and help her grade papers at home, no, she gets to wake up at 11 if she wants to and spend her time doing things she wants to do and not what other people need her to do and I can feel that small-but-not-insignificant part of me grow larger, more jealous, more defensive but, like, so what if I’m tired all the time and have had a cold for three weeks that refuses to go away I haven’t been applying to jobs I don’t get to be jealous I have no right to be jealous and yet… and yet… and yet….

(deep breath)

They’ve started car shopping, though she hasn’t bought one yet, but this means that until she does she’s using my mom’s car to commute like she was for her last job. Which means even more driving for me, because now I get to drive my sister AND my mom to schools on opposite sides of different cities, which means I will be even more tired and have even less time and I don’t want to be this jealous and bitter and awful person but I’m so tired so tired s o t i r e d s o

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