“Your mess is mine”   —Vance Joy

Since my sister is commuting again and my other sister has to work, too, we no longer have extra cars, and, as I predicted, everything is hectic. Today I wanted to look up a few jobs (not apply for anything, just find a few postings) and prepare for tomorrow’s tutoring sesh. Dad drove my mom to school before taking the truck in for some maintenance stuff. Somehow they forgot the tiny detail of oh yeah there’s a kid in the house who needs to go to school or whatever, and there was no one to take her so my brother, stand up guy that he is, cut his morning routine short so he could take her to school before heading to work, even though, 1) his work is sixty miles away and 2) her school is ten miles away in the opposite direction.

I waited for my dad to come home, then I went shopping to buy stuff for dinner and for my sisters’ class (they try to bring a sort of snack for the kids each week) and got home at 1:30 (still trying to figure out HOW that took so long). So then it was a mad rush to make meatballs and prep puff pastry and make an apple filling for turnovers, all before 3:00 at which point I had to leave to pick little sister up from her drum lesson (small mercy: I don’t have to worry about picking her up after school on Tuesdays) and then we went straight to my mom’s school, where we waited for her to come outside for what seemed like forever (but was in fact only about 20 minutes). Then we got home and it was 4:30 and… my parents were annoyed with me because dinner wasn’t ready, and the turnovers for my sisters’ class weren’t ready, and the house was a mess, and there were so many dishes, and…

Tomorrow will suck, too. I will wake up and drive my mom and sister to school and, to accommodate everyone’s schedules, I’m going to have to be dropped off at my tutoring session tomorrow. This isn’t a big deal, except that going to their house is so. awkward. I go in, sit down, we go through her homework, and before I can do anything else (because I don’t know if she really gets the material, so I want to do extra problems) she gets her mom, who pays me, and then they both stand and stare until I put my stuff away and then they walk me towards the door and the “okay your job is done go away now” vibes are uncomfortably strong omg omg omg I get a little anxious thinking about it. It’s literally five seconds at the end of the session but it’s so uncomfortable it makes me want to quit. But being dropped off isn’t all bad.

Pro: My dad will be the one driving everyone around for once, so I’ll have that little bit of assurance that they don’t really need me here, that it’s okay if I leave (because let’s be real, for my own sanity, I need to get out of here).

Con: I can’t just leave at the end; I’ll have to wait for someone to get me. Will I wait inside or outside? God, the thought of waiting inside makes my stomach hurt. But waiting outside seems awkward too?

Pro: I won’t feel guilty about forcing my sister to take the train to work*

Con: I am bitter and awful and even though I would feel bad if she had to take the train, I will be irritated that she ISN’T taking the train and making life easier on everyone else OHMYGOD I AM AWFUL (see below)

*That awful part of me just keeps whispering that when I look for jobs far from home, my mom just says “Well it better be near a train station because it’s not like you have a car,” but when my sister gets (another) job far from home, everyone is jumping through hoops and bending over backwards to make it work so that she can take a car and not have to take the train. Ughhhhh dwelling on this stupid detail is NOT helping me be less bitter and awful about everything ugh I hate myself sometimes whyamisoawful


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